SoaringSoul

Recently, i read a book which relates to me rather closely. Its called moving past perfect .A self-help book which outlines underlying causes , characteristics and impacts of being a perfectionist.  

Reading this book aids me in identifying the perfectionistic traits in me. Some intriguing information that have been highlighted in the book makes me discover that i could be a perfectionist all along and that i don’t even realized it. 

Unrealistic thoughts and demands that i have imposed on myself, the irrational fears and worries which i had in mind and being extremely preoccupied when i encounter failures are obvious signs that indicates to me that i am a perfectionist. 

I am glad to know that i am not alone and that my family members have shown signs of perfectionism as well judging from their behaviors and character. However the scary part about being a perfectionist is that it limits one in trying out task which we have no confidence in. Due to the fear of failing, a perfectionist does not even have the guts to try and they give up easily as a way to avoid failures.Deep inside them they have the mindset that if i don’t try i would never fail. 

Having identified this thought pattern of mine and understood myself more serves as an important lesson to me that i should try not to be too hard on myself. I may not be able to change the things that happened in the past but i could change my current course of action in order to fight perfectionism.

There is nothing wrong in being a perfectionist. More importantly, i feel that we should understand that perfectionism does not do help us in long term. It adds on unnecessary burdens and stress to us which ultimately compromises our emotional and psychological well being. Moreover,one may even get extremely exhausted for striving so hard to achieve perfection which is clearly impossible. Instead of striving for perfection, one should reframe their thoughts a little to strive for excellence. The healthy way of striving for excellence clearly encourages us to improve further to be better after every attempt. 

Ultimately, we should keep in mind that life is all about striving for excellence and improvement, not about attaining perfection. With this in mind ,life could become alot easier and enjoyable. 

Its just a month more before i could officially declare that i am a one year soldier in SAF ! Like it or not every guy  have no choice but to spend two years in NS. Up till now i still cant believe that i am still reflecting on national service. There was a period of time when i kept complaining about my decline in cognitive abilities ever since i had been enlisted. Come on is time to stop complaining and whining !  Comparing to my peers, i am way much fortunate to be in this unit. Apparently my duties are pretty mundane and mundane but i have no rights to ask for more already . 

Perhaps i should take this time to really enjoy myself now before the the next life-changing phase of my life begins. UNI-life !  It is pointless grieving on lost opportunity and reminiscing  past memories in polytechnic.  Although holding on to good memories is pleasurable, nevertheless it is  unhealthy if we were to immerse ourselves in the past for too long as time is wasted where it could be spend well in the present moments. Learning to live in the present and refraining from thinking about the future is the solution for now but it has always been a great challenge for myself and all of us. 

What do i really mean by 3rd time. Well, it takes a great deal of effort to pen down this blog. The month of january proves to be a very happening month when extremely negative thoughts and emotions made me fall back into the dreadful trap of distress for the 3rd time. 

Since secondary 3 , coping with setbacks and dealing with stress have always been my greatest weaknesses. I sought treatment and i could only say that my conditions have been fluctuating throughout the 5 years. Have always been leading a life of deception and pretense covering the truth of myself. Thanks to my appearance, i appear like any typical human being. However whatever that happened just demonstrated otherwise.

All these unwanted and unfavorable events had occurred only for one reason. Myself. Being unable to take failures , setbacks and unhappiness lightly i had landed myself in a pool of misfortune. Sometimes i wonder why am i a male when my characters and attitudes could be likened to a female. It might sound crazy but they were just random thoughts that flashes once awhile. 

If only i am able to notice the peculiarities within myself earlier. If only,i could be a little less ignorant about my conditions and most importantly if only i am not so driven by the thoughts of living a life without medications, things would not have went so wrong.

This post marks my first blog of the year 2013, which also means the end of 2012 ! A year which i perceived to be rather happening and filled with uneventful and undesirable occurrences. 

Yesterday was my very first time witnessing Singapore fireworks when the clocks strike 12am marking the closure of 2012.  Throughout my 20 years in life i have never get a chance to see New Year countdown spectacular fireworks live in Singapore. You may start to wonder if i really live under the rock all along! Haha  Still cannot believe that my heart beats rapidly just before the fireworks ceremony begins when everyone starts to count down to 2013. 

Thoughts never fail to intrude my mind since secondary school and it is becoming more and more part of me already. No matter how much i try to suppress it, thoughts would still undoubtedly be generated in my mind subconsciously without me knowing. There is nothing more imperative than attempting to completely eradicate this habit of mine. Unfavorable events or happy days which i perceived were all under the control of my mind. It still bores down to my individual perceptions on the occurrences. Hence the one and only wish i have in 2013 is just to break free from the shackles of ruminations. Complete liberation from the grip of subconscious ruminations would definitely resolve the lack of productivity , alertness and concentration on work which i have always been worried about. 

Wishing all my dear ones a Cheerful and lively 2013. Should any of us still hold on to uneventful past, please leave them behind in 2012 and forget about them completely. Open our arms to welcome the new beginning when we become stronger to leap higher than before for success, happiness and great health.  

I would not deny army provides me plenty of time to do nothing. It is indeed boring but from another perspective i really gives me ample time to think, consider, contemplate, deliberate on all sorts of things in life. Many questions emerged in my mind. These were some of the typical questions that left not only myself but my counterparts pondering. 

1) What would you want to do in future as your life long career?
2) Why do you choose this career.
3) Do you really like what you are doing ?
4) If you have already made the decision, how certain are you that this is really what you want in life ?
5) The one and only types of questions that goes never-ending and have never fail to give us a hard time ( What if….. blah blah)

I knew before enlistment that i am really passionate about psychology. Anything that has got to do with how we think, feel and behave. I have this undying believe that having these set of knowledge i could apply it anywhere and very important contribute to the society by helping people who have psychological difficulties, who are unhappy and make a difference in their lives. It is not the number of people i could help, but quality of counseling service that i could possibly render to  every individual.

However i could not deny certain events and situations i faced, did made me ponder whether i am indeed passionate about what i wish to do or i am simply obsessed with helping people who have problems in life. Deep within me, i could feel that i have this inclination to help someone who has problems through casual conversation, encouragements and support and most importantly a listening ear to them.I love to prolong heart to heart talks with someone who willingly open up and confide their stories . Somehow or rather i would feel really absorbed into the conversation and it made me feel as if i was the person experiencing the negative event.

Irregardless whether is obsession or passion, i believe it doesnt affect me at all in my pursuit of being a counsellor or psychologist and i hope i could do well in my undergraduate studies in uni and utilize the knowledge to help others in future.

Previously if you were to inquire whether i would like to take up a sales job i would say no without a slightest hesitation. However, after yesterday job briefing at bugis, my mentality towards sales changed miraculously. My mind which is constantly analyzing and considering made me realized that i have indeed considered to much and that overdoing it gets nothing done at all.

I have long acknowledged the fact that indecisiveness was my greatest weakness and had attempted to make decision much quickly as before. One incident which i would never forget is when i was making a decision whether to pursue my major in pharmacy in Ngee Ann Poly or Temasek Poly when both institutes offered the same major. The only advantage of being a graduate from Ngee Ann is that the school is much more reputable , and the course itself place greater emphasis on clinical aspects of Pharmacy practice. On the flipside of the coin, is situated way to far away from my house. Upon careful consideration, i realized that i had greater preference towards Ngee Ann than Temasek and i made the decision myself without any further discussion with my parents despite knowing that they would definitely disagree with it. It was a decision which my parents perceived to be the harshest i ever made, but i know that i have to be firm and break the weakness of indecisiveness.Initially regretted because the long journey from home to school was daunting. Thankfully as time passes, i got accustomed to long hours of travelling and felt that i was not too bad after all. My classmates and teachers were the ones whom made me look forward to school every single day. 

It is not wrong to be analytical and consider our actions and decisions we make everyday. This makes us more cautious  so that we would not regret or negatively affect ourselves and love ones. Our negative experiences in the past made us more wary on conscious of our actions without realizing that we are overly-conscious and too afraid to commit certain actions. This ultimately compromises our productivity and efficiency in decision making in life and more importantly nothing gets done.  Since yesterday, i have thought about giving myself a chance to make the first step in attempting something which i had always had no confidence in. Something which i dislike doing mainly because i feel that i am not a sales person. However, the thing is i have never attempted before and because of that it could be a conjecture that i am making without any evidence suggesting that i couldnt. It would be a new challenge to me, speaking confidently infront of everyone without frequent pausing would definitely be tough for me initially. However i am willing to give it a shot because i knew i would never know how far i could go unless i try.  Moreover no major cost is incur and there is absolutely nothing i could lose from this company except time. Weighing the pros and cons made me come to a final decision to take a leap of faith in making the first step out of my comfort zone. Trying this does not make me lose out, but not trying out makes me lose an opportunity which was presented to me yesterday. 

Aside from earning additional income, i also earnestly hope that this company could groom me to an improved individual who is more confident, decisive and quick witted. I believe this could be a platform for me for personal development apart from my passion in pursuing psychology and counseling. 

My mood lifted when i was told that there would be no more followup appointments till further notice and changes. I was given the last 6 tablets of escitalopram to be taken every other day before i completely terminate my therapy. How much more can i demand ? Little did i know that this happiness was short lived. 

My 2 months experience in kaki bukit transport center had made me realized i was not really prepared for the real challenge. Learning how to drive a 3 tonner was not as simple as it seems. Having a license or having drove a vehicle before does not guranteed you to be a proficient class 4A driver. 1st Month of training was great, i was fortunate to have met a patient instructor who taught me his skills and techniques in driving. Prior to that i have declared my personal medical condition to my ACM and actually expects him to keep it confidential. Truth unfolds itself when  my driving instructor revealed to me that he was actually aware of that all the time which could mean he had held back his temper. As the actual driving test draws nearer and nearer on the 2nd month, the stress within me multiplies involuntarily. I have to be frank that at this very moment, my mind when into a state of complete blank. It made me really worried but deep within me i do not wish to give up because i knew that i have just been withdrawn from medication. I have came so far to prove to myself that i can survive without depending on the medication. This environment should never be the cause of my recurrent depression. Blanking out becomes even more conspicuous when i was driving one day with the most infamous and reputable mr Reza. He was a nightmare to all his students and i was the unfortunate one to be attached to him. In army you never make your own decisions. Decisions are usually made by the army as long as you do not have a respectable status or rank. The experienced was terrible as i was reprimanded and mentally insulted throughout the entire journey from the beginning till the end of the lesson. I know i have no rights to complain about him when his own student sees him every single day. Nevertheless it left me feeling really phobia of driving on the road when i can blank out anytime just like a dormant volcano which could erupt anytime. Am i still fit for driving in this case ? I doubt so. Hence i made up my mind to give up this course for good after weighing the pros and cons of it. The 2 years in army could be well spent on some other vocations. 

This group of people whom i met in this driving course were awesome. Coming from a wide array of family backgrounds we shared our live stories and i have learned from them that the world is realistic. I could clique naturally with some of them but not all of them but they made me open my eyes to understand that i cant be always honest and truthful. Intelligent, creative and charismatic individuals are always look up upon  but being overly intelligent confers to cheating on others, corruption and other unethical behaviors. On the flipside, less intelligent individual are always look down but the truth is they have one of the purest heart. They are the ones whom gave me the assurance that i could trust them wholeheartedly. Apart from intelligent people, i met people whose personalities are way stronger than anyone who i have met. Despite being in an incomplete family where their parents were divorced, they stood still and unbeaten when encounter with difficulties in life. These personalities were admirable and i have always envied these people hoping that one day i could be as strong as them.

This 2 months proves to be rather distressing and mundane with all the long waitings and repetitions. It made me think a lot about myself whether i am ready to live and survive in this society.I realized how weak i am when i compared myself to the rest. I have lots to learn, lots to practice and most imperatively lots to learn about myself. I would not deny on certain occasions , the thought of popping a tablet and depending on it is very tempting and comfortable. However, deep within me resides the stubborn and persistent self who refuses to give up trying to live independently without relying on the medications. How contradicting can it get? 

These 4 months made me discover that these little enemies must be eradicated ! Self doubts, self contradictory thoughts, catastrophizing situations, being too naive and too honest.

i have recovered. :) There is no such thing as perhaps or maybe. 

4 months had passed. If you were to assume that i dreaded army throughout my 4 months i would confidently say no. It is true that as people grow, they start to undergo little changes subconsciously without they realizing it themselves. These 4 months demonstrates how much an individual could transform to. Perhaps i am overcritical , but these seemingly short period of time had constantly made me doubt myself again and again. There is no reason for anyone to worry if they were to change for the better. However i have this inherent fear that i may change for the worse.

Fortunately, i am able to view this fear positively by taking army as a self-discovery opportunity. It made me realized that i have been a tolerant person which may or may not be a good character depending on the situation i am exposed to. Aside from that, i realized that my impatient character is contrary to what my peers have claimed to be. All these thoughts and ruminations repeated itself again and again and they made me really confused at times.

Putting these negative thoughts away, interesting events do occur. Persuading someone to go out with me out of my own personal interest has not always been my style of asking someone out. I feel that nobody would like anyone to force them to go out with if they themselves do not feel comfortable at all. However, i supposed army had brought this up upon me and had given me the courage to coax someone to go out. I supposed long periods of boredom had brought this upon me which i still resisted as i still do not feel comfortable coaxing someone out.

Somehow or another, i had learned to deal with people with the appropriate attitude. It is indeed a life-skills to be wary about the people around you who really care and those who are simply hypocritical. Before enlistment i would say that i am rather considerate and caring. Giving in to someone i really care and being friendly has always been what i perceived as a good inner qualities that most of us should uphold. I would always put myself in another person’s shoes before deciding whether i should do certain things however, it just hurts when someone does not reciprocate at all or show their gratitude and sincerity. Not that i always seek for favor in return. In reality not everyone thinks the same as i do. In fact, giving in to the wrong person , may in turn backfire on ourselves. Hence, it is vital for someone to be caution to the person they really care for. Judging someone base on their first impression or during the first few days of meeting is definitely inadequate for us to tell the person’s character. I believe that everyone deserves a few days of interactions before we come into conclusion of the person’s characters and attitudes. After which, it is up to the individual’s actions and sincerity for me to judge whether he or she deserves my concern.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, care and concern only if they could do the same for others